What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:59
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Who then, do I blame.?
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Ive learnt so much.
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I was very sick at this time too.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
How can someone feel more FTM when AMAB?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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What did i know ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
This is soul school!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was scared of men, in general
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
All the time i was locked up.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He resisted the act ,that day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot live in the past .
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was in good health!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I have no regrets .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im still living with it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.